


The Night Would Be Enough

by towardstheair



Series: Future's Series [1]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:19:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris knew this would always end badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Night Would Be Enough

The Night Would Be Enough

 

Kris was aware that this wasn’t exactly a safe place to be walking around at such a late hour, but really, the entire neighbourhood wasn’t all that safe either and at this point he simply couldn’t bring himself to care. He should have trusted every instinct he had that told him not come out tonight, but for some reason his instincts seemed to be failing him recently; an alarm would ring in his head warning him that something he was about to do was wrong, that he’d only end up getting hurt. Yet somehow, he still followed through with it, still went on to do it, even though he knew was going to end badly for him.

 

 

The further he walked, the more secluded it got. The busy sound of bars, pubs, and the city night-life had long since died out, and you wouldn't have known from looking at where he was now that there was a city behind him beating with life. He was positive that places like this were exactly what his family and friends had warned him about when he had told them he was moving away from their small town life. They hadn't understood, even as he tried explaining how he felt, as though there was a vital part of him that he was missing, a part of him he knew he was never going to find it there. They had simply smiled at him and tried to understand, with looks of pity mixed with disapproval, but had ultimately stood back, telling him to do what he had to do. He knew then, that they didn’t think he was going to survive in a strange new city on his own, that they thought he’d come running back after two weeks.

 

Four years later was a long time. Whenever he spoke to his family and parents on the phone he filled their heads with perfect stories about how amazing his life was, how many friends he had made, and that there was even an interest in his music. It was all lies of course, and it surprised Kris how easy lying came to him. He had always been so honest with his parents, bad, even, at lying to them. But he could hear it in their voices every time they spoke, they were waiting for him to say he was coming home, waiting for him to fail.

 

 

He looked around him, fairly certain that this was the way they had come in. Honestly, he had been dragged along tonight, and right now he was really angry at having been forced to come.) Okay, so he hadn’t been forced to but it was as though he had no control over it. And if he was being honest, he just couldn’t say no, no matter how badly he wanted to. It wasn’t the first time he’d felt like this, and he always ended up in this very same position. It was raining now as well, he couldn't feel it but he could hear it pelting heavily against the tall dark buildings that towered over either side of him.

 

 

He stopped walking for one moment and looked up. He knew now for sure that he had definitely walked through here; he remembered the small balconies that were scattered across the buildings, some lit up with fairy lights, others with small table and chairs and laundry hung out to dry. From where he was standing, not too far up on one of the balconies he could see the flicker of a cigarette. He looked closer, his eyes adjusting to the darkness, and he noticed a woman staring blankly ahead, looking at the building directly across from hers. The dainty dressing gown she was wearing was open, and underneath it was a deep red night dress, a stark contrast to the shiny blonde hair that was wild and falling across her face. Kris followed her gaze and there was nothing there, just a blackened window. His eyes drifted back to the woman, and he was sure that even from where he was standing, he could tell that she looked sad, that there were tears in her eyes. Then it was clear that she must have got the feeling someone was watching her, because she looked down towards the street, her eyes meeting Kris'.

 

 

Kris wondered what his appearance must have looked like to her because she looked taken aback, her mouth opening slightly. He knew he never should have allowed himself to be dressed up like some kind of doll. The white jeans he was wearing were two sizes too tight, as was the white shirt that clung to him almost obscenely. His face and hair were covered in some kind of shimmery silver glitter that fell onto his clothes every time he moved, or stuck to his hands when he ran them through his hair.

 

 

He couldn't quite understand why she'd be so surprised to see him. Kris had witnessed a lot more elaborate outfits around here, and even though he felt like what he was wearing was way over the top, for a place like this it was nothing. As the woman stared at him, the cigarette that she had been holding in her fingers slipped away and fell to the ground. She seemed to be leaning further over the balcony, slowly, with a lingering uncertainty.

 

 

“You're beautiful.”

 

 

The words were like a whisper, but they still carried down in the silence and he heard them clearly. Then she was gone, and he heard the yelling of a name and a glimpse of someone pulling her back into the apartment. He watched as she retreated, reluctant and resigned, and Kris moved forward, opening his mouth to speak but he said nothing. He had seen this all before and what exactly could he do anyway? He had given up on trying to save lost causes a long time ago.

 

 

There was something about the expression in that woman’s eyes though, the tears he’d noticed made him start to wonder. Was he really all that different from those people? Was he really all that in control of his own life? There was a familiarity he felt when he had looked at her and he realised where he had seen it before; every time he looked in the mirror it was there. A brief flicker of sadness and weakness that he had let consume him and he knew what he would become if he carried on like this. He closed his eyes, mind flashing back to the scene in the club moments before, and he felt his resolve strengthen.

 

 

He carried on walking, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his too-tight jeans, and in the distance he could see the lights of the main boulevard as he picked up his speed, desperate to get away from his present surroundings. He’d barely taken two steps when he heard someone call his name, and the familiarity of the voice stopped him from walking any further. But then he remembered why he was even out tonight, why he had stormed out of the club and now found himself walking alone down this dark alley way, and it was all because of the person the voice belonged to.

 

 

He was more determined than ever now to walk away, and he carried on moving, quickening his steps, but the voice was persistent, calling his name, begging him to stop. It was growing closer and he knew he couldn't avoid what was about to happen. Everything he had been holding onto for so long, all the anger he felt had been threatening to leave for a while now, and it was all going to come down to this moment.

 

 

“Kris.”

 

 

Kris stopped and turned around quickly, hating that one person could take his breath away and render him speechless, and he hated that the beautiful person in front of him was more than aware of the power they held over him. He couldn't even pin point what it was, it was everything; the long black hair that was now pulled off his face, bright blue eyes covered with even more glitter and shine than Kris’ was, layers of the stuff only making his eyes look deeper and making his skin shine in a way that made Kris want to kiss every inch of it.

 

 

The way he dressed was completely obscene yet somehow still acceptable, and it was more than likely because he was so fucking charming that he could work his way out of anything with a simple look, touch or words. It was the reason Kris had first noticed him, and it was now the reason Kris couldn't walk away. Right now if Adam were to walk out onto the main street, skin tight silver pants, too high boots and a tiny black leather jacket it still wouldn't matter, he'd hold his head up high and swagger along throwing seductive looks at anyone who dared looked at him like he was a freak.

 

 

“Kris, come back inside I don't know why you're acting like this.”

 

 

“Fuck you Adam.” The anger flared up again and he spat out the words because Adam knew full well why he was acting like this. Adam wasn't someone who got surprised easily but Kris could see it across his face now, and as he turned away he took pleasure in the knowledge that he had managed to render the great Adam Lambert silent, at least for a few seconds.

 

 

“What happened back there was nothing. You've seen me like that plenty of times before and never complained.”

 

 

Kris continued walking and Adam followed closely behind. “I've complained Adam you just don't care enough to listen.”

 

 

Adam grabbed his arm, turning Kris to face him. “I do care...”

 

 

“No. You really don't, because if you did, you would know how much this fucking kills me.”

 

 

The skin where Adam's hand had been felt cold as his hand slipped away, and an angry puff of air escapes Adam's mouth. “How many times are we going to have this conversation Kristopher?”

 

 

Kris dropped his head, staring at the ground, suddenly feeling like he’s in trouble with his parents for doing something bad and he hates it when Adam makes him feel this way, like it’s his fault, like he’s the one doing everything wrong. Kris risked a look up at Adam, still standing there with his hands on his hips looking down at Kris, agitated and annoyed.

 

 

“I've always been up front about who I am and how I am, and I am sick and tired of having this fucking conversation every single time you get pissed off because you see me with some other guy. We aren't exclusive Kris, I don't do exclusive.”

 

 

“I know, you've made that perfectly clear to me.” Kris closed his eyes, unwilling to meet Adam’s piercing glare.

 

 

“Then why are we out here having this conversation?”

 

 

Kris sighed heavily and shook his head. “I told you I was going home; no one forced you to follow me out here. I'm surprised you even noticed me leaving with that guy’s dick down your throat.”

 

 

“You're out with me every weekend Kris. You've seen me with guys like that before.” The tone in Adam's voice makes Kris want to start throwing punches, and he is not a violent guy, he never has been but something about this whole situation makes him want to run back into the club and grab the random guy Adam is undoubtedly going to fuck tonight, and drag him out by his stupid fucking purple hair.

 

 

“Yeah I have. I’ve watched you pick up guys outside bars, I've been left behind on the street and watched you take them back to the apartment and fuck them, I've gotten in late and found you passed out, naked, surrounded by different men night after night. I've seen it all Adam, but you have never once noticed how it makes me feel. Cos' I've been one of those guys, and I still am, except that I stuck around. I'm the one night stand that you can't get rid of and sometimes, that's how you make me feel, like you wish that I'd just fuck off once and for all. But then you're there, in my bed, crawling in and making me forget about all those other men, making me feel like I'm what you really want...”

 

 

“Kris, honey I do want you. Why wouldn't I? You're fucking beautiful, you and me together like that feels good, its comfortable and you know there's a connection. You're my best friend for fuck sake, and yeah we're friends that screw around, you think we're the first people to do that?”

 

 

Kris hates how Adam always plays fucking dumb, because he’s not naive; he’s so far from it. Kris has never said the words, they've always been an unspoken truth but they both know it, it’s all part of the little game they have been playing. Kris let's Adam in his bed because he can't say no, he doesn't want to say no, and Adam goes to him for that exact reason, because he knows Kris will never reject him and it makes him feel better, makes him feel like he is worthy and that he is wanted. But it's all just an act, because what Kris really wants is so much more, and he knows Adam will never give it to him.

 

 

“Except it means more to me than just screwing around.”

 

 

Adam won't look at him now, his hands have fallen from his hips and strength that was in his body seems to have faded. Where he was once tense he is now slouched, and there is a vulnerability there that Kris knows he is fighting to not let show, and he knows that he is the only person in the world who ever gets to see Adam like this. Kris knows that his attempt is going to be futile, but he feels like he is on his last chance, that these moments are leading him somewhere else, somewhere away from Adam, and he at least wants to have tried his damn hardest to make Adam understand. He moves forward slowly, and Adam' body shifts again, cautious and wary of Kris closing in on him.

 

 

“I think it means more to you than that as well. I feel what it’s like when we're together Adam, the way you touch me, I see the way you look at me, every move you make when you are hands are on me. The way you look at me just before you move inside me, those moments when everything is stripped away and it’s just you and me. I can feel you everywhere even when you've gone and I know you feel it too. When you hold me afterwards, your hands are on me soft and slow and that's what's real. That feeling. The feeling that you want to stay with me, and only me.”

 

 

Kris licks his lips and steps closer to Adam, his hands are reaching out and he wants to pull him in close but Adam seems different now, determined somehow to not let Kris see what's hiding underneath the surface.

 

 

“That's how I am with all my fucks Kris. You honestly think you're any different?”

 

 

Kris recoils like his been punched, but he expected it, not those exact words but something similar, and yet it still hurts. What kills him most of all is that he knows Adam is lying. Adam believes he has everyone fooled, but they have been friends for a long time now and Kris has seen every trick Adam has ever played, every lie he has ever told, so he knows exactly what Adam is doing now. He just really wishes it didn't hurt so fucking much, because there are moments when Adam is so brutally open and honest with him, telling him stories of him growing up as a kid, about his family, and stories of how many times he has had his heart broken.

 

 

Kris knows where this indifferent act of Adams’ comes from. It’s the fear of letting someone in so deep that they get to see you as you really are, imperfections and all, the fear of being exposed and vulnerable when you don't want to be, and Kris thinks it’s as though Adam has made some kind of promise to himself to never be like that.

 

 

“You're just another fuck Kris. You’re just more convenient than the others, because you're always there.”

 

 

Adam' stance is strong again, arms folded across his chest, mouth in a tight line and eyes looking away distantly. Kris feels the anger flood through him again and he wants to grab hold of Adam and fucking shake him because he knows that's not how this is, he knows Adam cares more than this.

 

 

But he feels like he can't win, he wants to stay and he wants to leave. He wants to have this argument every single night until Adam just admits the truth, but it’s all just too much and he can see it clearer tonight than he ever has before. He has been wasting so much time on someone who will never change. He is in love with a man who will never be able to say it back, never be able to admit it, and the realisation hurts so fucking much that he wants to crumble to the ground and break down, pleading and begging for everything he can never have.

 

 

But he won't do it, not in front of Adam, because he has already looked weak and pathetic too many times in front of this man and he won't do it again. He has watched as Adam has pulled men from the bar and practically fucked them on the dance floor his eyes on Kris the whole time across the bar, and Kris sees now those moments were Adam making a point. Those moments were Adam showing Kris who he was, who he'll always be.

 

 

“Well I'm not going to be there anymore. So the little convenience you had is gone.”

 

 

Adam is smirking knowingly, because Kris is fairly sure he has called this quits before, no doubt drunkenly, then woken up the next morning to find Adam lying by his side, a hand fisted around his cock, any sign of Kris leaving completely forgotten.

 

 

This time is different though, only Adam can't see or feel it. He thinks this is just like every other time Kris has had enough of his shit, that come tomorrow morning Adam will have snuck into his bed and this whole thing will be forgotten. But Kris is tired, miserable and done. He has slowly fallen in love with a man who is incapable of returning it, who has used him and made him believe they had a connection, and then he has watched on from afar as Adam has fucked anything that walked, constantly reminding Kris exactly where he stands. He has to take some of the blame himself, because no one forced him to stay, no one forced him to watch, but now it’s too much and he needs Adam to see that, to feel that.

 

 

“I'm serious this time, Adam. I want you to look at me. Do you remember what I was like when you first met me?”

 

 

“Plaid shirt, baggy jeans, guitar thrown over your shoulder, and the most beautiful lips I'd ever seen.” Adam's voice is low and husky, and he is stepping towards him. Kris knows that look, he’s been won over by it too many times before and he is slightly proud at the realisation that he finds it easier to resist now, but not so proud that his cock seems to be betraying him.

 

 

“Look at me now. This isn't me, that quiet and uncomfortable guy is who I've always been, who I'll always be. You can dress me up all you want, but this will never be who I am and I can't figure out what you're trying to accomplish here. But you've made it clear that you don't want more from me than what we have, so I'm going to make this really easy on myself and walk away.”

 

 

“We've been here before Kris and you come back. You always come back.” Adam is still smiling, still not fully grasping what Kris is saying, or maybe not wanting to.

 

 

“You don't get it do you? You said it yourself, you can't change who you are and you know what? Neither can I. I hate this city, I hate the noise at night and that I can't see any stars, I hate the way it leaves me feeling cold and alone. I came here because I was looking for something, because there was this part of me that was missing, and the only time I ever feel like it’s been filled is when I'm with you. Not this version of you, not the fake, made up, bullshit version. I mean you. The one I know you only let me see. But I think I was wrong, I think that maybe that's the fake version and this person, this man in front of me is who you really are. I was just too fucking stupid to realise it.”

 

 

Of course Adam is backing away again, because this truth is always too much for him to deal with. Kris knows he likes to throw the truth about in other people’s faces but can never face it when it’s turned on him. It's the one thing that Kris has that he can use against Adam, and he needs to use it now if he is going to be strong enough to walk away.

 

 

“I can't do this anymore Adam. I love you and I can't do this anymore. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel watching you with those men? Their hands all over you, touching you like that, like it means nothing at all. What you do with them means nothing. If you need to do it for whatever reason you justify to yourself every night then fine, but I won't watch it anymore.”

 

 

There's a leather strap around Kris' wrist, one that he always forgets is there, one that Adam had tied on him after they had know each other for six months, and it feels like it’s tightening on Kris the more he speaks and before he knows it he is ripping it off and throwing it to the ground. He thought it had meant something at the time, that it had some kind of double meaning of their connection and relationship binding together, but it ended the same way everything else did with them. He had seen Adam later that night taking his own one off and binding it around another guy’s wrist before pushing his head down and sliding his dick into the random guys mouth.

 

 

“You could stop this you know, you'd just have to say it, tell me what we both know is true. Tell me that you love me and that you only want me and nobody else. Tell me that you want the two of us to be together properly, that you are going to stop all the fucking around and take me home tonight instead of someone you don't even care about.”

 

 

The strength is fading in Adam's body again, his harsh eyes are turning softer and his lips are parted slightly, the words hanging there waiting to be said. Adam's arms are stretched out towards Kris, moments away from pulling Kris into him, but they both know what Kris wants to hear, what he has been waiting so long for Adam to say, and this is it. This is the only moment Adam's got and Kris shouldn't, but he lets himself believe for one second that Adam is going to do it.

 

 

He sees the two of them falling together in an embrace, the words “I love you” being breathed hotly against his ear, never-ending kisses and touching all the way back to their apartment. He can see Adam throwing him down on the bed and making love to him, the air filled with murmurings of ‘I love you’ as their bodies move together feverishly, passionately, before stilling in the darkness, wrapped up in each other’s arms and legs, hands finding purchase on every inch of skin they can reach.

 

 

But it's just a fantasy and Adam won't say anything. It’s been too long and it’s too late to take that leap now. The main boulevard is louder now, more cars rushing by and the sound of music merging from all the different bars that line the main street. Kris thinks it must have always been this loud, that he just hasn't noticed it till now. He wants to take one last look at Adam, but he can't remember him like this, so he doesn't, he won't allow himself a backward glance as he walks away, turning out onto the street where he loses himself in the crowd of people walking by, allowing the noise to drown out the pounding in his head and the thudding of his heart.

 

 

He is sure he hears his name softly in the distance, but he keeps walking anyway.  
.


End file.
